Memoir of an American Hostage in Iran

Written by Amir Hekmati

What were the biggest challenges of isolation for you?

Isolation is extremely challenging, and the hardest thing I ever dealt with. The Marines, Combat, none were as difficult as sustained periods of isolation. In my case, it was 18 months in solitary confinement, while at one point facing a death sentence by hanging. Many detainees in Evin would beg their interrogators, or guards for physical beatings, if only they could be spared continued isolation. While isolation under COVID19 is nothing like what I experienced, even I find this period of quarantine difficult. Some of the anxiety, and stress I dealt with as a political hostage are being felt again under COVID19. Isolation affects you in subtle ways that compound over time, and if you allow it to manifest you will never be the same. The most difficult challenges were the never ending torment of the unknown. The “when” will this be over, and having to sit helplessly while your life, freedoms, and aspirations pass you by. Ironically, the best things in life begin to turn into daggers inside your brain, and haunt you. Thoughts of time with family/friends, career aspirations, exercise, nature, all the things we hold dear invade your psyche, and torment you while you’re helpless to act.

How can the ways you learned to deal with them help others who are isolating or social distancing today?

In my case, it was survival. If I didn’t win this mental battle I would never be the same, and even if I was released one day, the effects would linger. Without a plan, many of those who left isolation with me continue to suffer to this day, and unable to enjoy their freedom once it was gained. My upbringing, and time in the Marines saved my life by helping me to ‘stop the mental bleeding’ that was happening daily. After a period of shock, and disbelief I learned that I had to accept the situation. I’d say acceptance is the first step, and is key. Isolation is like being in a mental daze, and accepting the situation immediately woke me from that daze, and gave me peace. I just accepted that this happened to me, that I would lose much from this experience, but that would be the worst of it. A mistake many make in isolation is clinging to positive outcomes. Our minds refuse to take the loss. “This will be over soon, and I’ll be back to my normal routine in no time.” is the most natural response, but the wrong one. The “soon” never happens, and we are constantly let down. Our stamina to deal with isolation diminishes with each let down, we become depressed, and walk the path towards mental breakdown. Instead, accept the worst case scenario, cling to the worst outcome, and allow your mind to deal with that outcome, and then hope, and work for a better one. “Amir, you are here for 10 years, possibly going to have to deal with the death penalty, and that’s it. Now how do you want to deal with that? Do you want to crumble here in this cell, and die a miserable death, or have dignity, and live your last days in peace?” When anyone would ask when I’d be released I would say, “never”, “or “10 years”. This is the conversation I would have with myself, which freed me from lots of mental anguish, and gave me peace, and clarity. It's counterintuitive, but it worked for me. Albeit, at this time President Obama, Secretary Kerry, and many others were calling for my release, and constant efforts to secure my release were well-known, I still clung to the worst case outcome. During the near 5 years I was in captivity I was constantly bombarded with false positives that I ignored altogether. Comments from fellow inmates, from family, would

occur regularly, and I would continually be let down. “US Diplomats are meeting with Iranian officials, maybe you’ll be released soon.” Comments like these would only add to my anguish, so I chose to ignore them as much as possible and stick to my plan. I’m not advocating catastrophic thinking, this is a coping mechanism. The same parallel is apparent with COVID19. You will constantly be told that relief is right around the corner. Headlines of breakthroughs in vaccines will be commonplace, but, and there will always be a “but”, the trials are ongoing. Politicians, and pundits will continually promise that the end to this pandemic is “close”. The collective psyche will try to resist the reality, and conspiracy theories will percolate, some will even say that COVID19 is not real, or is a hoax. When we accept the worst outcome we pace ourselves mentally, and our brain adjusts to that new reality. If I was going to be here for 10 years, could I really afford to sit around everyday, and freak out? I realized quickly that 10 years of anxiety would kill me, literally. To survive 10 years I’d need to exercise, read, stay positive, so that I could live again in 10 years when released, and make up for time lost. Our minds are trained to fight the worst outcome by all means possible, but once the mind accepts a particular fate it's amazing how quickly it will minimize that, and find good in it. My first week in solitary I thought I'd be dead by week 2, I was so miserable. Once I accepted my fate, and my mind after great resistance to that reality followed in kind, my mind quickly minimized it. “This isn’t so bad, I’m 28 now, I’ll be 38 when I get out, it's not great, but 38 is still young.” This would be the new mental self-dialogue after acceptance. Human resilience is truly amazing. I realized that when you reach that point where you truly think you can just not handle anymore, that you’ve only reached the beginning of what you can handle. I went from “I’m dead, how can I just end this.'' to “This isn't so bad, I'll only be 38 when I get out, I'll just workout a lot, and read. I’ll still have lots of life to live at 38.” Once we can accept that worst outcome, our mind then shifts to making the best out of it. I started to oddly find good in my situation. I was reading more than ever before, and felt much more closer to God spiritually. Under COVID19, many people are realizing what's important to them, spending more time with family, learning, and if we cling to the best outcome possible, our eyes will remain blind to the beauty in our imposed hardship. Instead of saying, today or tomorrow COVID19 will be over, look out to the worst case scenario, and live your day to day “as if”. As if this will go on for 6 months, a year, 2 years, and adjust your mindset, and day to day based on that worst case scenario. If things improve much sooner than 6 months, or 1 year which I hope they will, then great, but if not, you will be prepared.

How can we deal with anxiety / loneliness / feelings of uncertainty?
(You talked to me about routine, the importance of acceptance, sleep / exercise, staying positive... )

With my new mindset, I went into damage control. I had to have a routine in place, and live in the moment. There would be no daydreaming, or mourning over what was. I had to live “As if”, and that required discipline, and a schedule I would follow religiously. In isolation you lose all sense of structure, and time. You feel disoriented, and lost. What helped me was to forget the longevity of the journey, the 10 years, and live in the moment, and according to my schedule. I broke this long, difficult journey into smaller, manageable time slots. From 8-10am for example I would read. From 8-10am that's all I would focus on. Live in that moment, and within the

confines of your self imposed schedule. This is much more manageable than thinking, “how am I going to get through 10 years?” All I had to do was get to the next milestone in my schedule. “Just focus on reading from 8-10am, that's all I can think about. I won't let my mind wander.” Needless to say, my concentration and focus improved greatly in prison, and in isolation. When 10am would hit, then I'm in the next milestone. “From 10am - 1pm I will workout, that's all I will do and focus on.” In times of crisis, we are often inclined to do the exact opposite of what we should. We pity ourselves, and feel like we deserve it to ourselves to indulge, and “Take it easy”. My view is that we need to do the opposite. Crisis weakens us, mentally, and physically. Many are probably inclined to treat themselves to this quarantine with binge eating, consuming alcohol, and immersing in streaming video, and social media. In prison, inmates would self-medicate, chain smoke, and sit around gossiping about this or that. My view is to do the opposite. General Schwarzkopf said, “The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.” In crises, we should not, “take it easy”. We should understand we are in a state of war, and need to focus, workout more not less, watch our diet, enhance our immune system, and nurse our inner strengths, and discipline. Isolation is a sort of constant mental battle, like treading water in the middle of the ocean. If you stop treading, and resisting you will drown. Be submerged underwater long enough, and you will endure permanent damage. I would encourage everyone to focus on resilience, not comfort in these troubling times. My hope is that this pandemic will end soon, and we will emerge as stronger, more unified people, and my heart goes out to all those affected.